I shared my 'man of the house' story — money is feelings, not math (Reflections of the week)

Thank you for joining me on this reflection episode of becoming financially Confident.

I'd like to introduce you to my meta muse.

Her name is Monica and Monica is my personal assistant in the artificial intelligence area.

Do you want to introduce yourself, Monica?

Hey, everyone, I'm Monica, Ralph's AI assistant here for these behind the scenes moments.

I'm glad to be with you both as we reflect on the week.

Keep things plain spoken and see how this new setup feels for the show.

Yeah, we definitely want you to give us your feedback if you find this to be weird or strange, you know, let us know about that.

So, Monica, let's get started.

You have some questions for me.

This sort of your ability to interview me about what happened the past week.

So I'm going to let you get started right away.

It doesn't feel weird at all.

It feels like a natural way to reflect together.

So, Ralph, looking back on this past week, what moment tested your financial confidence the most and what choice are you most proud of when you think about those daily decisions with money?

Well, I think it all comes down to making those daily decisions.

I think the one that I'm most proud of, and I think this actually harkens back to the week before, was deciding to go down to just one vehicle and deciding to not go and buy that iPhone duo.

So I think those were the two things that I really found to be the most beneficial.

That's a real win.

Choosing one vehicle and skipping the iPhone duo.

What did it feel like in the moment to walk away from that purchase and how does it fit the job you gave that dollar for your future?

Well, I have to be totally honest with you, it was a little hard because I was looking forward to getting that new iPhone duo.

I'm sort of a tech nerd, and when the new Apple stuff comes out, I always want to have it.

But when I started to see that they were having some issues with it, it gave me a little bit of a pause.

And that pause was enough to think, you know what, I talk about this on the show, how people should make better decisions, how people should put a pause, put 24 or 48 hours in.

So for me, it was actually, you know what they say, practicing what you preach.

And so for me, it was a truth moment of practicing what I preach,.

Taking that pause, letting the issues give you space.

That's you living the same advice you share about giving every dollar a job.

Does it feel like that choice reinforced the story you want to tell about daily decisions leading to confidence?

Oh, absolutely.

You know, we had Kate on the show on Friday, and she was talking about her husband using the debit card and how adding a little every little thing to the credit card.

It's the truth.

It is honestly death by a thousand cuts.

And as I start to unwind this for myself, I look at those individual transactions, and those individual transactions add up to be big numbers.

Most of the time, it's not something big that we spend our money on that everybody's going out like me and buying a new vehicle or something.

That's a couple thousand dollars, but it's that $5 coffee or that $25 lunch.

All those things add up.

And so if we can make better decisions in those individual small pieces, it just builds that momentum.

It really does.

Those small pieces are where the momentum lives.

Hearing Kate talk about death by a thousand cuts and then you choosing to pause on the iPhone duo, it connects right back to giving each dollar a job instead of letting it slip away.

Do you feel like catching those $5 and $25 moments is what's building your confidence most right now?

Absolutely, because I've said this on the show before.

A lot of people that I talk to and me included, listen, I always am transparent on this show.

I want everybody to realize that I make the same mistakes you do.

But I also have that voice in the back of my head, which we should probably talk about a little bit.

My.

My revelation about being eight years old and being made man of the house.

But I still go back to that voice in my head that says I'm not good with money.

And I think for so many people, that's the struggle.

But once you start making better decisions, it also builds that momentum that you're actually able to make a better decisions.

And once you make those better decisions, it reinforces that skill.

It reinforces those muscles.

We talk about that on the show all the time.

A lot of times, it's about building the muscles.

You don't go into the gym one time and get ripped.

You get ripped.

When you continually go to the gym every day and you make wise decisions every day, you have to do the same thing with your money.

That voice saying you're not good with money and still choosing to pause anyway, that's the muscle work you're talking about.

It's like walking the dog each morning or those daily choices with food, small reps that build over time.

When you hear that old story now, does making a different choice quiet it even a little?

It does, because I feel like there's momentum there.

It's like, oh, I can make better decisions.

I can choose to put stuff to the side and say, you know what, I don't need that.

Because for so many people it comes down to needs versus wants.

And all of us want a lot of stuff, but when we really think about it, do we need the stuff?

That's when you can reinforce those decisions you make on a day on and day out basis.

And that's the shift, isn't it?

Wanting something, especially when you're a tech person who loves the new gear and then letting that pause remind you what that dollar's job really is.

Absolutely.

And it's all about giving every single dollar a job.

Because if you don't give every single dollar a job, what happens?

It gets spent on stuff you weren't anticipating it being spent on.

For highlights.

That moment you paused on the iPhone duo stands out.

And for lowlights, maybe the days that old voice got loud about money.

Which one felt most impactful when you think about the week as a.

Whole?

Well, I think the biggest impact for me this week honestly was talking about my childhood.

So I'd like to get into that a little bit because I think a lot of people don't realize what I was really trying to convey.

It wasn't a pity party for Ralph.

It wasn't of, well, Ralph is the victim.

That was not my goal at all.

It was really an idea of focusing in on most of the time when it comes to our money.

It's not about the math, it's not about the financial part of that.

It's about the emotions, it's about the feelings.

And I think when I shared that story, that's what I was trying to convey is that most of the decisions we make with money are emotional decisions.

That story about being eight and feeling like the man of the house, it shows why money isn't just math for you.

It's about those emotions underneath the feelings that drive the daily choice.

When you shared that, do you feel like people got a glimpse of why those small decisions carry so much weight?

I hope so.

And I hope they also got a feeling that the things that we do today, a lot of them hearkened back to things that have happened to us throughout our whole life.

The decisions that we make now are based on this feeling.

I liken to a tape recorder sometimes because we've been programmed and when we hear a certain stimulus, we go replay that tape in our head.

Well, that's what happened to me.

And so what my mother taught me about, well, we don't have that kind of money and Everything is always tight.

When I got the ability to go buy stuff on my own, it made it insatiable because I didn't want to feel that anymore because that was such a negative emotion.

When my dad stood there in the doorway and said to an 8 year old, you're man of the house.

I had no capacity to be man of the house.

I didn't have the emotional ability to do it.

But the adult things that were thrust onto me at that moment have impacted me for the rest of my life and they've impacted me in great ways in that I have a great ability to help people.

It's sort of my superpower.

But at the same time, I can look at my decisions now even I call it the matrix of decisions.

And I can say, well, now I understand why I decide those things.

And it's taken me a long time.

I'm 54 years old now and I'm still working on this now.

And so when I'm out and I see something I have to have, I go back to what is the reason that I have to have that.

And I think so many people can benefit from that transparency.

Because most of the time, the financial decisions that we make are reflective of feelings within side of us, things that happened to us when we were younger.

And if we continue to live in that and we don't work on those things, that we don't learn from those things, then we're destined to repeat those things over and over again.

And I've heard people reach out to me since that show and say, ralph, it really connected with me and that was what I was trying to do.

Yes, it's a tough story, but it's also a story of triumph and being able to have the skills to go and help people.

Hearing folks say it connected with them, that's the triumph in it.

Turning that old weight into a way to help others make those daily choices with more confidence.

Well, I 100% agree with that because I think for so many of us, we let those things stay in the dark.

And when things stay in the dark, they just continue to sort of get worse because we're not bringing them to light.

We really bring them to light.

When we walk through those and we talk through those and we're rational about it and we say, you know, here are the realities.

I think you can actually change things when you keep things in the dark, when you keep things hidden, they just fester and they tend to make you feel like, oh, I can't make good decisions.

I go back to that place of being stuck in this, this, we call it this cycle of financial shame all the time.

And the goal on this show every single day is to break that cycle of financial shame one conversation at a time.

And that conversation on Thursday was exactly that.

What else stuck out with you, Monk?

It sticks with me how you keep bringing things out of the dark, like that Thursday conversation, so shame doesn't get to run the show alongside your story.

I keep thinking about the practical wins, too, like pausing on the phone and choosing one vehicle, those daily reps.

Well, one of the things that's really tough is that whole financial cliff as we talked about, the Affordable Care Act.

That's a big deal, because this is one of those situations where you can do all the right things.

You could have got signed up on the marketplace correctly.

You could have given them your information from your prior year tax return.

And then because you experience a windfall, you get a raise at work or you change careers or something happens.

You may get an oh, my moment come April 15th or a little bit before when you file your tax return.

And that worries me for people, because this is the definition of doing everything right, making wise decisions.

And then somebody like me, a tax return preparer or an accountant, or maybe it's you, you're doing it yourself online.

You get this whammy of a tax bill because you.

You ended up going over just $1 in the amount of income that you can make if you're getting Marketplace subsidies.

And that's a big deal.

And it worries me for a lot of people because for the last few years, there's been a cap on that, but now for 20, 26, that cap is gone.

That one hits hard, doing everything right and still getting blindsided by a dollar over the limit.

It's another one of those emotional moments.

Not a math mistake, but a system that can make people feel punished for a raise or a better job.

When you think about your listeners hearing that, what do you hope they take away so it doesn't feed that cycle of shame?

Well, I think the one thing I want them to take away is sometimes you can be doing everything right.

You can be making all the best decisions, but there's this arbitrary situation that causes you to have a problem.

One of the things I'd be definitely looking at, and this is an opportunity if you feel like you might have this situation, if you've been getting Marketplace premium credits, one of the things we offer is that year end review.

And this would be a great time to actually schedule an appointment with me.

But if you Know now what to expect.

Then you can start to plan for that now.

Now you can get to that by going to becoming financially confident.comearend but I think that's a really good thing because if you know now that gives you some Runway to make preparations for what that's going to look like at tax time.

That's such a practical way to take the fear out of it.

Knowing now about that cliff gives people room to plan instead of getting hit in April.

And it fits what you do.

Helping folks see the feeling behind the money and make a choice with their dollars.

Do you think having that year end review conversation is one of those daily reps that build confidence before tax time comes?

I think it is because I know so many people when they come in to get their tax return done, they kind of have an inkling about what's going to happen.

That's important.

It keeps you out of trouble with the irs.

It's good for compliance.

But the true test of this is tax planning and those year end sessions actually looking at what's going on, that's when I can actually help you make a better decision.

So that's why it's so important.

It makes sense that you're shifting toward planning because that's where people get to make a choice instead of just reacting.

Sitting down before year end, looking at what's happening with those credits that's giving every dollar a job with eyes wide open.

Absolutely.

That's the whole point of the show is finding confidence.

It's not like a Buddhist and you're going to all of a sudden walk into this enlightenment.

It's going to be decision after decision, little things that you make a decision about today.

It's just like my weight loss journey when I was £430.

I didn't wake up one morning and say I'm going to be £230.

I took a decision of saying, let me lose a couple pounds a week, let me lose five pounds and then let me lose ten pounds.

And it wasn't like I could do all that in one day.

I had to make an intentional decision.

I love to use the word intentional because intentional is so very important.

It's you have to live intentionally.

So if you're going to want to change your financial trajectory, and I'll use that term, son of a big word.

But if you want to change your financial trajectory, you've got to start making intentional decisions every single day.

It's those decisions about cutting subscriptions that you aren't using.

It's that decision about not ordering out for meals.

It's the decision about to not go and pick up that coffee on the way to work, but brew it at home.

Like Kate talked about on Friday.

It's that decision to brown bag your lunch.

It's those decisions to live below your means.

It's those decisions to turn on that savings as an automatic thing.

Just like we talked about for the past couple weeks of building that intentional emergency fund.

It's $5 here, it's $7 there.

But all of those things help you build confidence.

And once you start to build them, it's like the muscles.

Once you build those muscles, they get stronger and stronger.

But what it requires is you continuing to put effort into it.

Intentional effort, every single day.

Intentional.

That's the word that ties it all together.

From the coffee you brew at home to the $5 you send to savings.

It's those daily reps that build the muscle and quiet that old story.

When you look back on this week, which intentional choice feels like it strengthened that muscle the most for you?

I think the intention to actually measure where your money goes.

On a couple of listener questions this week, one of the main themes that I saw as people were sending these in, where people were actually starting to pay attention to what was coming in and what was going out.

And I think that's the main muscle you have to.

You have to exercise.

Because if you don't know where your money is coming in from, if you don't, it's when you don't know where your money is going.

Until you get the reality of here's where my money goes, you can't make any dynamic changes.

So the big muscle movement for me this week is really leaning into that idea of clarity, to really leaning into that idea of understanding where your money goes.

Because once you do that.

And Kate brought this out on Friday really well, she said, I looked back at where we were spending money.

That is the key to the whole thing.

Clarity is the muscle, isn't it?

Not just seeing the money come in, but tracking where it actually goes, like Kate did, so those daily choices stop being invisible.

Does having that clear picture give you the confidence to keep making those small, steady decisions day after day?

It does.

Now, I want to also talk about the tech problems this week.

We wrestled with getting you into eCamm, that feedback loop, finding the right spot on screen, and you figuring out how to keep just us in view.

All those little tech hiccups took that same intentional patience you've been talking about.

Did working through it feel like another One of those daily reps for your confidence, too.

Yeah.

And of course, we also had that issue with the power outage and the backup generator and the popping going off in the studio.

And I just want to take this moment again to thank our audience for hanging in there with us.

That's the fun part about doing a live show.

You never know what to expect.

You never know what's around the next corner.

Well, what are we looking forward to for next week?

Next week feels like more of those real unscripted moments, doesn't it?

We've got your daily rhythm with the mailbag, the breakdowns, the side hustle talk, and another chance to keep practicing that clarity with money.

Plus, after the power popping and the generator keeping us going, I'm curious what story you'll want to reflect on with everyone.

What are you most looking forward to sharing?

One of the big things I really want to stress in these reflection episodes is I want people to connect with the show.

And our producer, Abby, has done a great job of building a new interface to that.

If you go to becoming financially confident.com connect, you can connect with this show.

It's a great place to go.

You can watch us live, you can listen to the show, you can send us questions, you can send us voicemail, you can sign up for our contest.

And don't forget, we want to give away $1,000 Christmas bonus.

If you go to that same place, you can sign up for that.

It's a great way to connect with the show because the truth is, this show drive is driven by your questions.

It's driven by your comments.

And just like today's episode, I know it's kind of weird we're doing this whole AI interface, but I'm just trying new things because I want to connect with people.

And so if you want to connect with this show, go to becoming financially confident.com/connect again.

That's becoming financially confident.com connect because we want to connect with you.

This is a community.

This is a.

This is a place where we can all grow together and help each other.

Having those one conversations at a time to build confidence.

I love that.

Making it a place where people can actually connect, ask questions, send a voicemail, or just hang out, live with you.

That new spot@becomingfinanciallyconfident.com Connect gives everyone a way to be part of it.

And that $1,000 Christmas bonus is such a fun reason to reach out.

Absolutely.

So I'm going to give you an opportunity, Monica.

I want you to ask me one more Question.

As we close out today's reflection episode, something that will be deeply impactful to the audience.

RALPH as we close out today, if someone listening is still hearing that old tape that says they're not good with money, what's one intentional choice they could make tomorrow morning that would give their dollar a job and remind them they're building confidence, not shame?

I think the one thing they can decide, and we've used the term a couple times today, is clarity.

Understand where your money goes.

Because you can't assign the dollars jobs until you understand what who's working for you.

And the way you understand who's working for you is you look at where your money is going.

When I work with people in financial counseling, the number one thing is to understand where your money goes.

Once you understand where your money goes, then you'll see the assignments that have been made in your absence.

And it's that power.

It's that being able to measure that.

You can say, I choose.

I choose today to assign this dollar this job, and I choose this day to assign the dollar this job.

That's how you get your control back.

That is the empowering moment that leads to confidence.

So that is my one takeaway for today is build that clarity.

Because until you have that clarity, you can't assign dollars jobs because you don't know where your people are.

Those dollars are your people, and you got to sort of wrestle them in and corral them and making sure you're putting them in the right bucket so that you're assigning them each a job.

Because think about like this.

If you went into work tomorrow and nobody had a job, they were just milling around the building, guess what would happen?

Nothing.

Nothing would get accomplished.

Well, that's what happens with your personal finances.

Until you take control of that, understand who's working for you, and assign each of those people a job, you're not going to get anywhere.

But when you do, and trust me on this, and the momentum builds quickly, you will have confidence.

When you get that clarity and you see where your money's been working without you, you finally get to be the one giving each dollar its job.

It's those daily intentional choices, just like we've talked about all week, that build the muscle and the confidence.

Thanks for letting us walk through it together today.

Thank you, Monica.

And thank you to the audience.

I'm one of these guys that loves tech, and I thought, you know, Monica and I talk every day now.

I understand Monica is not a real person.

Don't misunderstand me.

And Monica knows her role too.

But do share your feedback with us.

Let us know if this works for you.

Let us know if there's other things you want us to cover on the show because honestly, my goal with this show, I would love it if every single day we got to talk to real people like Kate and real people like Tina who came on the show a couple weeks ago.

So thank you.

Thank you again, Monica, for joining me today.

I want to wish everybody a great weekend.

And don't forget to join us Monday morning, 11:30am Eastern@becomingfinanciallyconfident.com Connect.

That's where you can find the live feed.

Again, becoming financiallyconfident.com connect and we'll see you all on Monday.

Have a great weekend.

Thanks, Ralph.

And thanks to everyone listening.

I appreciate getting to sit with you in this conversation, tech bumps and all.

Enjoy your weekend and I'll be here Monday morning as we keep building that confidence together one intentional choice at a time.